Hustled by a Hustler

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I am going to tell you a story about an Irish guy. I met this dude through some friends, so I had high hopes for him being a solid person.

We had known each other for years, but he was always mysterious about basic information. For instance, when I would ask him what he does for a living, he would always spin the story. He used to own a bar, he used to trade but, what does he do right now? No one knows as he could never articulate it. He lived in a nice part of town so none of it made sense. Super cagey. He was not independently wealthy either.

Since he was a fellow city dweller, I would constantly run into him at many Chicago things. We were friends on FaceBook as well and he was always at the latest fund raiser event and all of the happening spots. I always wondered how he got tickets for so many cool things? He was the man about town.

One day he asked for my number, and we started going to events together. He was always super complimentary towards me. One of those guys who was good for the ego, so I wasn’t mad at it.

Again, this story spans years of me knowing him and seeing him out and about.

One year, I invited him on a boat for my birthday party. This was an annual event and I usually have about 25 friends attend. While parked in the playpen on the lake, he interrupted the party to give an Old Irish Toast he stole from his Uncle. It was:

Never lie, cheat steal or drink. But, if you lie, lie in the arms of a beautiful women, if you cheat, cheat death, if you steal, steal from your enemy. But if you drink, for God’s sake drink with Sue because she is your friend.

A real charmer.

He ended up being overserved on the boat (not judging, it happens to many people) and he slipped and fell. This was the text he sent me the next day:

As an Irishman, I am blessed with an inner GPS system that has never failed. Although, I still maintain there was a banana peel on that dock of the boat that caused my slip. I am so very sorry for my lack of gentlemanly comportment at the very end of the night. It pains me to think I may have lessened even by one iota your enjoyment of your evening. Please forgive me if that is the case. What a fantastic party. What a FANTASTIC girl!

I replied: No worries, sometimes it happens unintentionally. People get caught up in the moment of being on a great boat on the water. It’s all good.

He replied: It truly was a magical evening and I’m so happy you were nice enough to include me. I shall endeavor over the next year to prove my ability to walk without slipping to earn an invitation to the next Sue-Palooza. I did make a tactical error late in the cruise to switch from my beloved Heineken to Tito’s at Ron’s suggestion. As any Coach would say, it was a rookie mistake that a cagey veteran like me should never make. Enjoy the rest of your birth-weekend young Sue.

He then texts again: My new thing now is going for nice long walks on the lakefront. It is great exercise and it’s most fun to have a companion to converse in witty banter with. As we are practically neighbors, you should come with me sometime!

I said: I would love to join.

He says: I do some of my best thinking/ruminating while walking on the lakefront but it’s even better to have someone to converse/conspire with. A great walk and then some coffee is a fine way to start the day or some ice cream to end the day.

We went on many walks together.

In my opinion, he was giving me mixed signals. He was always telling me how much he enjoyed spending time with me but never really asking me out on a proper date. And, he said things that were far nicer than anything my guy friends would say. It never added up.

I am a little shy (kidding) so one day I call him out on it. We were riding home together on the L and he kept telling me how great I was. I said to him, I find this all very confusing. You are constantly wanting to spend time together but never really ask me out even though we are both single. I said, you like to leave things murky, I like clarity in my life.

I then went on to say my BS meter is working overtime with you.

Of course, he still didn’t clarify things for me and left it up in the air. My spidey senses were on high alert though.

I think a lot of what he says is just what he thinks people want to hear, not how he feels. I think it is how he gets invited to so many things, he just goes around complimenting people. He is like America’s guest, shows up hungry and thirsty and happy to be there kissing babies and shaking hands. Kind of like a low-key Tinder Swindler.

One day, I had an extra ticket for the Bears game. Shockingly, I asked him if he wanted to go. It was the Packers game, so it was extra special. I told him the cost of the ticket and he said sure, he would love to go.

So, it is the day of the game and I have a friend over to my house for a tailgate. We were just waiting for the Irishman to show up so we could leave.

He is 15 minutes late, 30 minutes late, etc. etc. I am texting him saying I am worried because we don’t want to leave without him but need to get going for the game. Nothing, no word back. After waiting longer than we should have, I leave the ticket with my doorman and say, if an Irish dude comes looking for me, give him this ticket and tell him to meet us there. I was salty.

Well, you guessed it. He never showed up. Blowing off a couple of people for the Bears game (especially against the Packers) is possibly the most egregious mistake someone can make in my book!

So, it’s on….

This was the last straw. And, on top of it, he never paid me for the ticket. Did I mention he has alligator arms? They NEVER reach into his pocket when we are hanging out. Probably goes hand in hand with the fact that he doesn’t really work.

So, I start texting him asking for the money. This was all about principle to me. Nothing to do with the money. How dare someone be a no call no show for Bears/Packers! He promised me a check for the game.

Our exact text exchange:

Sue: December 30th – Did you send me the check? Happy New Year!

Sue: January 9th – If you sent the check, I didn’t receive it?

Sue: January 14th – Are you not even going to reply?

Irishman: January 14th – Happy New Year Sue! A thousand pardons for not getting back to your earlier message but I was down in Springfield all week until yesterday. I’ll see what’s up with the check. Worse case, I’ll just walk over and leave an envelope with your doorman. Have a great weekend!

Sue: January 28th - Did you mail the check? Or drop it off? Thanks.

Irishman: January 30th - Hey there Sue, I’ll swing by your place and drop it with your doorman. Probably tomorrow. I’ll shoot you a message after I’ve done so. Cheers!

Sue: January 30th – Thanks

Sue: February 8th - Did you drop it off?

Irishman: February 14th - Happy Valentine’s Day young Sue! I’m dreadfully sorry but I’ve been swamped and have not prioritized dropping that check off to you. No excuse. I’ll endeavor to get over there tomorrow or Thursday and will message you afterwards. Hope all is well!

Sue: February 18th - Did you drop it off?

Sue: March 3rd - Did you drop it off?

Sue: March 23rd - Did you drop it off?

Sue: April 1st - Are you really not going to pay me?

Irishman: April 2nd - Of course, I shall take care of it.

Sue: May 5th - Did you take care of it?

Sue: May 22nd - Should I pick it up from your doorman?

Irishman: May 22nd - Hey Sue, I am in the burbs on elder care duty for the first part of this week, but I will make sure to leave an envelope for you before this Memorial Day weekend. This obviously has not been a priority for me and for that I apologize. I’ll leave you a message when it is there. Cheers.

Sue: May 28th - Did you leave it?

Sue: June 4th - Have you made this a priority yet?

Sue: June 17th - Seriously.

Sue: June 19th - Do you not have the money?

Sue: June 28th - So disappointing

Sue: July 8th - When can I pick up the money?

Funny enough, about a year after our final texts, I see him at Butch McGuire’s in Chicago (of course, where all the Irishmen go). I was talking to some random guys and said that guy in the Irish cap owes me money. These guys wanted to go rough him up for it! LOL I stopped that from happening but my friend who was also waiting for him that Bears/Packers game went over and basically told him what a mouth breather he was for not showing up that day.

He of course was unphased by it all. I would imagine we are one in a long line of people who have grievances with him.

Lesson Learned? Never blow me off for a Bears game. Also, if a guy constantly turns on the charm but doesn’t follow up, he is full of SH**. I now know he spews compliments to anyone who will listen, so he gets invited to everything for free. I can’t believe I fell for it. Also, be sure to defriend someone who doesn’t bring you joy on FaceBook. I would see him leeching off others and decided I didn’t need to see it anymore!