Minus Guy

I am not what someone would call a Holy Roller, but I do like to go to Church on Sunday(s) and do what I can to volunteer at different events. I ended up going to a fund raiser at a bar which benefited my local church. These events typically have many nice people but historically, no love connections.

I was standing by the bar and this guy came up and introduced himself. Somehow, we got on the topic of dating.

He proceeds to tell me he thinks the ideal age for a girl is 30 years old (to date). I asked how old he is, and he said 42. I am thinking the age difference is interesting, so I asked him why he goes for younger girls.

Come to find out, he has a whole theory that goes something like this; If a girl is 32 years old, he calls her a “plus 2”. If a girl is 28 years old, he calls her a “minus 2” (30 is the equalizer age). He doesn’t like to go over 30 because, you want to date a girl for a year, you want to be engaged for a year, you want to be married for a year and then it takes a year to have a baby. So, if you date someone who is 32, she will be 36 before she can have a baby and the baby will then be born with many problems. Yes, he said this out loud.

He went on to say women need to know their place in life. I was curious what that meant, and he said to listen to their man and do what he says.

She basically should be barefoot, pregnant and quiet. She should just serve him.

After picking my jaw up off the ground, I said, have you been married before? He said yes, but, am now divorced. I know what you are thinking – SHOCKER!

I said, tell me you are kidding about this theory. He said, nope, and all guys feel this way.

Yup, it’s time to unleash. I say to him, first of all, you are 42 years old. Good luck finding a 30 year old with that attitude. Second, I feel sorry for you that you would even consider living your life this way. Be careful what you wish for, you will be in yet another loveless marriage. You are ignorant to think having a child later in life automatically = problems. As a matter of fact, don’t pro-create at all, the females of this world don’t want any more guys like you running around spewing this venom. I am not at all surprised that you are divorced. Not once did you mention love when discussing marriage. All you care about is someone’s age, not what they can bring to a relationship or how they would treat you, your family, your friends. I said you are going to be a lonely old man.

Whew, I feel better already.

The female bartender heard our entire conversation and buys me a beer, she said, I couldn’t have said it any better.

After this painful conversation, I leave him and continue on for the night. The following week I am at work when my phone rings.

I hear, is this Sue, Sue from St. Michael's? I said, yes. He says, this is the guy you met on Saturday night. I said, how did you find me? He said, I had to talk to 3 Sue’s at 3 different hotels before I got to you. During our conversation that evening, I told him my first name and the company I worked for. He took the liberty from there.

I said, how can I help you? He said, I was thinking we should go out some time. I said, are you kidding me? He said no. I said, I am a +4 in your world, 34 years old, I don’t work for you by your own definition of what you want in a relationship. He said, I think you could just be the girl to change my mind. I said, I would never take that task on. He said, come on, I find you attractive, don’t you find me attractive? I said, your ugly personality supersedes everything so it is hard to say. He was stunned that I wouldn’t take him up on his offer. I said I had to go.

Now, I would see him periodically over the next couple of years and would just wave from a distance. I would very rarely engage in a conversation.

Fast forward 5 years. I am sitting at home on a Friday working. My phone rings and I hear is this Sue from St. Mike’s? Now, I have moved since then so I said, I used to go to St. Mike’s. He said this is Minus guy (I told him that is what I called him).

He goes on to say, my friend and I were talking and we both think that you and I should go out. I said, I am on the other line, I have to go. He said, I will call you back in a half hour.

I was gobsmacked.

Sure enough, a half hour later my phone rings. I of course didn’t pick up and it is him leaving me a message he would like to go for dinner, or the driving range or anything I would like. I don’t call him back thinking he would get the hint.

One week later, he calls again and leaves a message saying he was going to be at a bar in my neighborhood and would like me to meet him there. I didn’t go or call him to let him know I couldn’t make it. Even Ray Charles can see that I am not interested.

This is where it gets even weirder! The following week, I am out with a client for dinner. I am walking home on a Thursday night at 11:30pm. This is very unusual as I am typically sleeping on a school night. The light changes and I cross this street and I hear someone yelling my name. I look at it is Minus Guy with his head out of a cab asking me where I am going. The timing of it all. If I was 30 seconds before or after, I would have never seen him. He says, I will call you tomorrow. This time I knew I would have to pick up to make him go away.

He calls and says, when can we go out? I said, I am dating someone and also not interested in going out with you. He seemed shocked. He went on to say, look, I am not asking you to marry me, I just want a drink. I said, let me make this a little bit clearer. Even if I wasn’t dating someone, I have no interest in going out with you. We see things very differently and have NOTHING to base a friendship or a relationship on. It was like this was the first time he had heard this from me. He didn’t let me off very easily as it took some more convincing, but I finally said thank you and good luck.

Fast forward another year and I bump into him at a street festival. He sees me and says, Sue, I have something I need to discuss with you, it is the best. I said, I have no interest.

He hunts me down and proceeds to tell me that he found a website called cougarlife.com (or something similar to that). He said it is these older ladies who are looking for action. I am doing the math and said, Minus guy, you can’t be on the receiving end of a cougar when you are old too.

He went on to say he lies about his age, says he is 35 years old. He came up with an entire alter ego. He has a different name, a fake business card, everything. I really didn’t think he could sink any lower.

I said, Minus guy, my favorite part of this story is you think you are fooling people with your age. I told him everyone knows you are at least 50 years old!

He is deceiving multiple people and wanted to continue to tell me about his meaningless encounters. I finally interrupted him and asked him when he was going to see a counselor about his mental challenges. He laughed and thought that was great. I wasn’t kidding.

He told me he is the envy of all of his friends. Well, one friend stops over and he is so uncomfortable with what Minus guy is saying, he is squirming. The man is completely delusional.

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Lesson learned? Just because you meet someone at a Church function, doesn’t mean he is a good guy.